Turkish Parents

In certain respects, Turkish and American cultures are like cars in opposite lanes. When one is going away, the other one is approachıng. Or like those HSBC ads, what's considered giving and support in one culture ıs qualified as burden or dependence by the other.

You can say what you want about my accent in English or assume that I am Americanized. But when it comes to parenting (or my views of parenting), I am back to my core. This is what I know: parents are always parents and there is no end to giving between parents and children, nor is there a charge. Everything is done from the heart...

Hatice, our cleaning lady, had left her cell phone behind the other day. She came to pick it up at 10PM. She was coming from her late shift, her second job. Why did she take on more physical work as a 55 year old grandma? Because her son was laid off recently. Someone needs to feed his little daughter and help his bride, while he is looking for a job and temping 8 hours a day.

Ahmet, the cabby, actually retired from his position as the general manager of a well-known furniture shop. He battles Istanbul traffic day in day out. His son has epilepsy. He can't always use his hands right, he can't flex his fingers comfotably. Ahmet signed him up for drawing lessons. A bit therapy, a bit of education. Whatever it takes to help his son.

My parents continue to care for my 98 year old grandpa. I don't think the thought of putting him up in an old people home crosses their mind. Or they just would not dare. That's for people with no family.

There are plenty of examples like this at home. This is what I come from...

If My Parents Lived in Long Island...

Every time my Dad gets fed up with the daily challenges of living in Istanbul, he tells me "Well, as you know, we'll get a small place in Long Island and move next to you.." (Think joint homes in My Big Fat Greek Wedding") We both laugh because we know that it's not going to happen for various social and economic reasons.

But as I have been the lone soldier, planning and preparing for a wedding, I wonder how all this might have been different if my parents could be here every day.

Now I update them over the phone and convince my mom that the decisions I make are actually within reason - given what's out there and what it takes to do a wedding in NY. She agrees with me - after half an hour of fast-paced discussion usually filled with phrases like "I can't hear you. What? No way! Do it this way, no do it that way! Ok, you're right."

Would it be any better if they were here? Or would we just yell about the same things in person?

In Istanbul, we know people, people know us, we know the way, we have help from friends and family. Here, everyone is busy, offer help over the phone, or do not want to get involved for whatever reason.

It may be stressful, it may be expensive or do-it-yourself, it may be fun or dull... but it shouldn't be lonely...

I wish my Dad had gotten that place in Long Island.