I Will Survive This Wedding!

I was a bit absent from this blog, but now I am BACK! Boy, was I busy. I finished my book. It will be on shelves on January 07, 2010. And the next piece of big news is that I got engaged!!! I was never the Princess Bride type, so I decided to soak in the moment and not worry about wedding plans for a couple weeks until we took off to visit my parents in Marmaris. Uhm, I was wrong. If you tell people you got engaged, they will not leave you alone. Whenisit, whereisit, howisit, when, when, when? They will ask in one breath. (As if they'll be invited!) What will you do with that bit of information? Compost? Pickles? Even I do not know what I am doing for my wedding! I wanted to scream and kick each time someone I did not know grabbed my hand to take a look at my diamonds -- apparently it's customary in the US. Especially girls are supposed to look at their friends', colleagues' and their friends' friends' rings and say 'oooo' 'aaaaah' as if they are at the dentist, but this time enjoying it.

Well, I got news for you all: This is the ultimate low-class act. Unless you are my close, close friend, you should not feel so comfortable that you will want to pull my finger and study my ring. You don't understand its clarity, value, color and all that other jack shit anyhow. And I like it, so what's it to you? I am not seeking validation. No ma'am, not at this point.

It was interesting to see the office peeps flock to my room and have open-mouth spasms about it. Some were genuinely happy for me... I think... (OK, where's my birthday card then - you guys forget it every year.)

A-n-y-w-a-y-s...So I survived the ring shock. We went on our mini holiday. My parents greeted us with much love and enthusiasm as usual. We roasted under the sun for almost three weeks. We were shielded from all things wedding related. We decided that it would be easier to get married in New York, then in Istanbul since most of our friends are in New York. My family said that they would travel. So, a small wedding on the cusp of spring and summer in New York. Beautiful!

Wrooonnnng! When we got back, we decided to take a look some locations. The prices were outrageous. If you want something decent and affordable - fuggedaboutit, as they say in New York. Nothing seemed to be in our budget. Until I asked friend of mine who owns a restaurant if they did weddings. The answer was affirmative. He was more than helpful and kind. So we found our reception location. Yay!

Having grown up in Istanbul, I am used to seeing Jewish couples get married in a Synagogue. It's not a question of if, but rather which. You get married in the morning or by early afternoon the latest. Then your guests go home, don their best outfits and come out for an evening reception at another location of your choice. I am not suggesting this is the way it should be done, but this is what I am used to. Even when we were looking at wedding halls and they would show me some wall or some garden corner where we could set up huppa, I felt like something was missing. True, our ceremony and guests would make the place special, and I am not super religious, but I am spiritual at life events. I think at major turning points in your life, you may want to acknowledge tradition. There is beauty in repeating something that has been done by your people for thousands of years. There is meaning in walking down an aisle that many have walked down on for the same reason (Ok, I guess that can still be said about wedding halls.) In short, I wanted a place with history and culture.

So, our hunt for a Synagogue began. I first called the Spanish Sephardic Synagogue on the Upper West Side. I thought I would be greeted with open arms, but quite the contrary. The executive director asked me if I were Jewish and confirm that we could get married under Jewish law. I didn't understand why anyone who's not Jewish would take the time to call around Synagogues for a wedding date, but I replied with my full name and confirmed yes. Then, we went back and forth on some details. He kept reiterating the ceremony would only be possible if we became members of the Synagogue. Fair enough - I asked how much this whole shinding would cost "before I took more of his time." He revealed the cost of inclusion and acceptance: $10,000. Yup, that's a comma not a period. G read it first and called me in despair. I said no way, we can't do this. So, my dreams about getting married in a place I knew was my own went up in smoke. Since I am Spanish Sephardic (that's like saying Spanish Spanish in Hebrew or rice pilaf in Turkish :-P), I thought that's where I should have gone. But clouds of suspicion and lack of dinero got in the way.

Trying to keep a stiff upper lip, I called around and reached out to friends who might know places, rabbis. I didn't hear back from anyone until I got a hold of the lady who organizes events at Elridge. She was lovely to talk to. She was responsive to my emails and phone calls. The price was reasonable. She just needed to confirm details with the rabbi. I waited for a few days and asked again. She was extremely apologetic, but the rabbi couldn't do it. See, my darling G was raised Jewish in a multi-cultural family that defined themselves as Jewish. The rabbi was Orthodox and G was not Jewish enough for him. I said I respect his view (I really do), but I disagreed with him. G did not need to convert!!! (To what???) The lady who was the messenger in this case was almost as upset as I was, but there was nothing we could do.

Then came the help of Google. I searched under Brooklyn Synagogues and came across The Brooklyn Heights Synagogue. I spoke with the executive director who was amazingly warm and open-minded. She insisted that she didn't want us to become members just so that we could have our wedding there. She wanted us to come in and see what it was like there; to see if "they were our cup of tea." How refreshing!! I will have that tea, thank you.

We went in one Friday for services. The rabbi was the most modern-thinking, welcoming, engaging and humorous clergy member I had ever seen or heard of. He said many things that made me think and chuckle at the same time. His rule was simple: He cast a wide net for people of all knowledge and interest levels. He welcomed them all, since they made the effort to respect His House and pray. Who won in the end? Both Judaism and the people!

Well, is the Heights Synagogue like the ones I am used to in Istanbul? No. (And you might say, well are the ones in Istanbul like the Heights? No.) Does it represent the values I believe in? Absolutely. This brownstone in Brooklyn will symbolize the beginning of my new life with G. And we will make it our own.